Top 10: Things You Never Want To Hear Her Say

Do you guys ever get stuck with one of them.
I have been hit by "Notice anything different?", "Don't worry, he's just my ex.", "We need to talk.", "Do you know what day today is?", "I've been thinking..." and "I'm late."


No.10 - "Are you done?"

Now you are. No matter how close you were to your peak, this question can instantly send you back to your starting point with a nauseous feeling of defeat. While a few courageous souls might reply, “No, but we are if you ask that again,” the majority of you will likely be too shell-shocked upon the realization that your Olympic-grade performance didn’t impress your No. 1 judge.


No.9 - "We should take dancing lessons!"

This statement can strike fear on two levels: For one, you’ll be learning the cha-cha in a room full of other hapless guys who will only serve to remind you of your own sad fate. And secondly, the next wedding or social function you attend, your girlfriend will undoubtedly want to show off your whole repertoire, from Foxtrot to Charleston. Ready for center stage? We didn't think so.


No.8 - "Notice anything different?"

Why do you never want to hear her say this? Because it’s a minefield, my friend. You guess she got a haircut. She didn’t, and is angry you suggested it. You then guess she’s wearing a new outfit; she’s not, and now she’s even angrier. You grasp at another guess; she did her nails. Wrong! Now you’re officially the most insensitive man on the planet and she lets you know it. “How could you not notice my new eyebrows?” You failed, you loser. Time to pony up for flowers and a night out, pronto.


No.7 - "Don't worry, he's just my ex."

But, of course, that’s precisely the reason you do worry. He used to be with your wife/girlfriend; they shared secrets, laughed together and had inside jokes -- not to mention the fact that they once got naked together. So if he is an ex -- meaning former, past or previous -- why is he still around in the present, and why now? This is the equivalent of your girlfriend saying, "I’m just gonna swim outside the shark cage, they don’t attack humans." Maybe statistically they don't, but intuitively it still doesn’t sit right -- there's always a slim possibility…



No.6 - "It's OK, it's not contagious."

Care for some herpes simplex? Painful STD? Better to first assess what your wife/girlfriend is talking about. Then Google it to death and cross-reference it with a doctor. Be prepared for the backlash. Once you refuse to touch her, she may feel like she’s in quarantine and consider you an inhumane, cruel man. But happily you’ll be infection-free, though possibly girlfriend-free as well.


No.5 - "We need to talk."

Cue the dramatic music, please. This heavy phrase you never want to hear her say is the classic tip-off that something bad is about to happen. And in the few seconds before she tells you what that bad thing is, your stomach flips around like a fish in a frying pan as you think about the range of possibilities. Is it over? Does she want time away? Did you forget the milk, again? Regardless, one thing is clear: you are about to be told you are deficient in some way, and it ain't gonna be pretty.


No.4 - "Do you know what day today is?"

Quick. Think. The dog's birthday? Your parents' anniversary? Wednesday? Like the No. 8 thing you never want to hear her say on our list, this can be an open-ended hell for any man. You throw out ideas and every wrong answer you get, you inch closer to sleeping on the couch for an undetermined period of time. We would like to offer a few words of advice regarding this nightmarish situation: Always pick important relationship-related dates if you must make an idiotic guess, and for God's sake, write down all significant dates.


No.3 - "I've been thinking..."

Uh oh. First of all, this means you need to get comfortable. Her thinking could mean anything from talking about the "state of your union” to how you can improve your attitude, language, style, or why you should join Kabbalah. Thinking is essential in every other context, but in this one, it can be disastrous.


No.2 - "I'm late."

No, we don't mean for work. For every guy who has ever heard this, it's come out sounding more like “Your life is over.” No amount of commitment is going to make this statement any easier to take. We won't even get into the impact this would have coming from a one-night stand… The impact these two little words can have on any man is just too great to put into actual words, but we'll try: nine months of hell, sleepless nights, crying, breast milk, hormones -- OK, we can't go on.


No.1 - "Aw, it's so cute!"

While you were once confident that you were the length of a baseball bat, had the girth of a redwood, with the dexterity of a Samurai sword, being called "cute" can clearly undermine your entire masculine reverie. And if you’ve had a bad history of women describing you as cute, hearing it one more time is just not something you want to hear her say. Of course, if your girlfriend asks, “Are my boobs too small?” shortly after, feel free to reply, “I'm sorry, your what?”

LOL Josh thanks for posting. I agreee!

Lol, this was a good read. Quite funny and too true.

I'd put "It's OK, it's not contagious" at #1...that's 1 phrase that can haunt you for life...

I agree alot with this, Luckily Number 3 and 4 Havent been asked yet