Mr. Tambourine Man Interview: Who's Interviewing Who?

Mr. Tambourine Man is at the CGS office in New Orleans. He’s sitting in front of a black wall with the CGS plastered all over it. A staff member is placing the microphone on MTM’s jacket as the interview is underway.

Interviewer: Mr. Tambourine Man, I presume you know why you’re here?

Mr. Tambourine Man: I know why I’m here…but do YOU know why you’re here?

Interviewer: Um…well obviously I’m here to interview you about your upcoming match on SNF, as well as your recent match at A Night To Remember. Can you explain why you walked out on your triple threat Fusion championship match just as it seemed you were going to win?

Mr. Tambourine Man: Why do you care?

Interviewer: Well…

Mr. Tambourine Man: You could be doing a million other things right now. Why are you busy talking to someone you don’t even know? Why does my life interest you so much?

Interviewer: It’s my job.

Mr. Tambourine Man: Ah I see. You’re here for money. So you don’t really care about me. I could be any other guy in the world. You just want to clock in, have a superficial conversation, ask me some predictable questions, and clock out with your check in hand? Well you know what…I’m NOT just any other guy. I have a message that needs to be heard. You asked me just now why I walked out on the Fusion championship match...Well if you actually gave a damn about me you would have read my posting on CGS.com and known that I didn’t even want the championship. Go ahead ask me another stupid question.

Interviewer: I’m just doing my job man…

Mr. Tambourine Man: Your job? How much do you make?

Interviewer: About $31,000 a year.

Mr. Tambourine Man: That’s a respectable living. Did this job require you to have a college degree?

Interviewer: Yes.

Mr. Tambourine Man: So this is something you’ve been working at for many year?

Interviewer: Not exactly.

Mr. Tambourine Man: You didn’t want this job.

Interviewer: Well I’ve always wanted to be a journalist... but not…

Mr. Tambourine Man: But not in the wrestling business, huh? So you’re telling me you spent thousands of dollars on an education to become a journalist and now that you’re out of college you’re not even doing the type of work that you enjoy. Why bother? You know what, don’t answer that. I know the answer. Because you’re after money. You know something you make me sick. You’re just like everyone else. Anything to make money. For what? This is the life of a typical human being such as yourself. You rest so you can work at a job you don’t like which serves ultimately no purpose other than to feed your stomach, so you can go to the bathroom and dispose of the food you worked several hours to put on the table. Then you have to rest again so you can do the same thing. You’re life is empty. You are missing out on reality. This isn’t reality. This is a depressing vacuum the world has been in for as long as civilization has existed. Wake up already. I have a job too. I’m a wrestler, but not like those big beefed up meatheads who only wrestle because they couldn’t get far in football or bodybuilding. Nor am I like those delusional ‘rasslers’ who spend their entire lives destroying themselves mentally and physically just to hear their name chanted throughout the arena by a bunch of people probably worse off than they are. No, I do this because this is where I can reach those that are lost. The poor youth of today flock to sports, and the worst of them all are here. This interview is being taped. I hope all of you out there are listening to me. Put down the potato chips, get your asses off the couch, and go somewhere quite. Somewhere with no people, no television, and no distractions whatsoever. Think about why you’re here. Better yet, don’t think about yourselves, you do enough of that anyways. Think about why I walked out on my championship match. All of you would kill to be in my position at A Night to Remember. I was seconds away from becoming champion….Mere seconds…yet I didn’t even care about it. None of you could be there because you’re all too out of shape or simply pathetic. I have my priorities straight. I know why I’m here. You don’t. Go think about that for a while.

As for my #1 contenders match this week... Once again I’m looking at the Fusion championship and wondering if I even want it. Last week I made a statement. Maybe it wasn’t clear enough to all of you the first time. Perhaps I have to do it again. For all of you who own a VCR, Tivo, DVR, or any sort of video recorder, just tape the show and fast-forward straight ahead to my match because nothing else will be worth your time. I guarantee it.

Mr. Tambourine Man walks off. The interviewer and the camera crew are in shock over what just transpired.

Staff member #1: What was his problem?

Staff member #2: Dude you just admitted you don’t read the website and don’t even like wrestling. You’re going to lose your job.

Interviewer: I’m fucked…