It Begins at Christmas

You said you would bury me.

Quiet!

You just left me beneath the surface.

I said QUIET!

Finish this.

When I’m good and ready.

FINISH ME.

And end your suffering? I think not

Ahhhh HA haaa HAHAHA aaahaahhhh ah ah haaa HAHA


The very same dilapidated apartment as we always find our beloved villain dwelling in is illuminated by the very same spotlight we seem to always see turned on. Perhaps it is difficult to run power to a condemned. Sitting at the dining table is our antagonist, who finds himself placed on a old wooden chair rocking back and forth with a phone in his hand. Probably the sanest thing he has done all day, but then again that isn’t saying much.

“Welcome to “Henchmen by Phone”. Press 1 for inquires into insurance plans. Press 2 for defective sales or Press 3 for the ordering of new henchmen.”

*Beep*

“Thank you for your intended purchase. Press 1, for orders of 20 Henchmen or more. Press 2, for between 10 and 20 Henchmen. Press 3, for 10 or under.

*Beep*

“Thank you. For current customers press 1 and enter your maniacal laugh, or slogan. For new custom-“

*Beep*

“Please enter your laugh or slogan now.”

Ahhhh HA haaa HAHAHA aaahaahhhh ah ah haaa HAHA

“I’m sorry, did you say. “Ehhh, Yar, Harrr, Ar, Eh, EH, ehhh, ehhhh HAR HAR HAR” Press 1 for yes and 2 for no.

*Beep*

“Please re-enter your laugh or slogan now.”

Ahhhh HA haaa HAHAHA aaahaahhhh ah ah haaa HAHA

“Welcome back “Leon”, do you wish to place the same order as previous or a new one? For a repeat order press 1, for a new ord-“

*Beep*

“Thank you, your new henchmen will arrive in 3-4 business days. Please allow 24 hours for the processing of your order. Henchmen by Phone thanks you for your business.”

Leon tosses the cordless phone onto the table infront of him and continues rocking back and forth, now looking a little more at ease then before, yet still crazy.

What? You thought we put out ads in the newspaper? The only reason I called is because the internet is down. I’m on the preferred customers list too, 3 more orders and I get 2 free henchmen, eat shit Doctor Evil, lousy “Gold Clientele”. Anyways...to business.

Wrestling Heaven, Wrestling Heaven, Wrestling Heaven, Wrestling Heaven...Wrestling......Heaven.

Now is exactly the time to put our plan into action. So devious it is too! No one will expect it. BUT! Like any good villain, I shall tell our heroes exactly what I plan to do. This is because A) I believe he simply cannot stop me, or B) Us villains really aren’t as smart as we think we are. I really think it is option A.

Regardless, now is the time, the only time. My time. Time to really show them just what I am capable of, like that Hobbit in that football movie...Rufies? Rubies? RUDY! The movie is Rudy. Foolish old me. Yes, Wrestling Heaven is my time to shine. Hmm, I’d rather not shine, the sun and I, don’t get along too well, I like the shadows a lot better. However it is time to send Ole Jerican’s teeth down his throat him and give him a clusterfuck to swallow.

“Umm, Boss?”

Our newest Lofty strangely missing an ear has wandered beside Leon, frightened perhaps at Leon’s continuing conversation with himself. It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t answering himself, in different voices.

WHAT LOFTY!?

“Your guests have arrived, I have seated them down in the lounge room, is there anything I can get for you sir?”

Tea, that is all.

Lofty turns and slowly makes his way from the room, hesitating for a second as if waiting for Leon to change his mind. The second passes and he continues his step as a knife, on cue, flies past his head stopping Lofty dead in his tracks. Yet very much still alive, for now.

And Crumpets. Forget crumpets and Oops you’re dead!

Lofty, now very much frightened at the fate in store for him scurries off into the kitchen. This job has a very high turnover rate you know. As Lofty exits the room voices can be heard from the guests in the other room.

Now it occurs to me that something big is about to happen.

Leon is still seated at the end of his table in his large dilapidated apartment rocking back and forth, his hair clearly unkempt yet his face clean shaven and his smile seemingly glued to his face. Shadowy figures remain seated in the lounge room of the apartment, seemingly uneasy with the display in front of them. Lofty, the namesake a mainstay in Leon’s entourage, the person belonging to the name, not so much, struts on to the stage slowly making his way towards his distraught master. [/color]

“Sir, I know you are busy and I know I shouldn’t interrupt your “Strategy Planning-Ma-Doodle.”

Strategic Planning-Ma-Bob. Get it right or don’t say it. You henchmen are atrocious at fulfilling my wants and needs.

“Sorry Sir, it won’t happen again.”

You’re right it won’t. One more time and POAW.

Ahhhh HA haaa HAHAHA aaahaahhhh ah ah haaa HAHA

Leon flicks his wrist in its typical manner once again revealing that same old Magnum.

Let me introduce you to my output of giggles.

“I get it! giggles and he’s always laughing. Get it guys, giggles – always laughing. hilarious.” The first of the shadowy figures spoke, who wore a bowlers hat.

Finally, A man after my own heart. A man who understands the simple pleasure of a good joke. And the fun of a good act of evil.

“Now I get that one. I appreciate all too much the joys of a good act of destruction. Pure evil envelopes the soul, wraps itself around the body and embraces you. Pain, Destruction, the only way to live.” Colby spoke this time, a recent compatriot of Leon. Whilst they rarely saw each other, Leon had developed a deep respect for the sadistic nature this man was able to beckon forth.

I could not have been fitted with a better group of henchmen for this task. Men who truly understand the very nature of evil as it exists. Now Lofty-

Leon spun himself, still seated In his chair, until he faced Lofty and stared directly into the frightened man’s face.

I will give you one chance to redeem yourself. Find me a way to prepare for me match. One way in which no other will think of. One way that will give me the advantage over all others which will prepare team Leon over the likes of Ole jeri-m’can. Find me a way to win the title match.

“Iit le match, gotcha boss, right away boss.”

Lofty exits the room hurriedly as Leon waits for the room to return to its silence.

Now as I was saying. It seems to me that something big is about to happen.

Ahhhh HA haaa HAHAHA aaahaahhhh ah ah haaa HAHA


And I couldn’t be happier. You see Gentlemen, the Devil certainly is in the details, and boyyyss I’m about to fill you in. You see, the roster of CGS have taken control, which is easy to see. Colby, I applaud you gentlemen in your efforts as well as the efforts of your compatriots. However because of this Exile is in disarray. The “Good Guys” are too busy trying to find the line so they don’t cross it all the while trying to stop the badies. Storme marks the only resistance and even he struggles to cling to life. They squabble amongst themselves and two-headed monster is so enveloped in their own our “greatness” they won’t see a thing coming. This is where I make my stand. You see tonight’s match isn’t merely a grudge match between Ole Jeri-can and myself. It is far more than that.

Leon rises to his feet and reaches into his left breast pocket of his vest.

I know it’s in here somewhere, ohhh I know, I know I placed it in this pocket. Unless Lofty took it out when he attempted to purify my clothes. Something about a metro sexual henchman just almost doesn’t make sense. They are all “Ohh I love being evil, but the colours just don’t fit the season.” But after all it’s only fair, this Lofty deserves his position, he has waited in line for awhile, three days in fact.

His fingers finally scratched across the small bunDle of paper folded deep in his breast pocket.

AHHA! I’ve found it! I am so clever!

Ahhhh HA haaa HAHAHA aaahaahhhh ah ah haaa HAHA

Skillfully Leon unfolds the paper, far beyond the amount of folds a normal person would fold paper.

In order to fully explain my plan, I will enlist the help of Christmas. Or rather Leon’s rendition of a Christmas story.

Leon continually unfolds the paper before flopping himself down on the floor desperately trying to straighten out the papers so they didn’t bear the creases.

Hmmm, this seems to be the wrong story. How foolish of me. It’s a recipe for a white person’s chilli. You see it is called “Gringo’s Chili.” Thus it must me a white man’s chilli. Leon knows what he is having dinner tonight. Nummy Nummy white man! Wait, that was sexually suggestive and I by no means am sexually ambiguous, only the lady kinds for me.

Leon fishes into his pockets again, this time easily finding the piece of paper that he had initially sought to find.

AH-HA! Here we go. But before we start there is someone I need to bring out here. He loves this story.

Leon dashes into another room of his rather large apartment and returns minutes later with a doll. He stops however seconds before emerging on stage and stares directly at the camera.

ACTION FIGURE, Get it right or I’m comin’ for yah!

Leon emerges with an “Action Figure” and plops himself back down on stage beside his story.

Everyone remembers the original lofty right? He really likes stories, a lot. Especially when I tell them to him. Isn’t that right lofty? I thought so.

It’s as I was saying –

Twas the night before Wrestling Heaven, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Lofty...that louse.
The cards had been posted with rivalries in mind
With hopes that Exile would prevail in time.

The wrestlers were away in their rooms a’ training,
With hopes to end the Champions t’were reigning.
With Omega in his play ring and I in my suit,
I began my preparations for Jericho the duke.
When in the locker rooms there arose such a clatter,
Exile hierarchy had been torn to tatters.

Ahhhh HA haaa HAHAHA aaahaahhhh ah ah haaa HAHA

Away to my planning I went with a flash
To overthrow CGS with a plan not too brash.
Seeing my plans in form my face turned to glow,
CGS will be mine with my minions in tow,
Oh the time is nigh and you’ll soon know true fear,
The Devil’s new reign begins right here.

I ran out of ideas to rhyme with after this but you get the picture. So you see, CGS will be mine, all in due time.